Really Tiny Adventures

I think I like D&D Tiny Adventures on Facebook. It seems really neat — low involvement, simulated dice rolls, vaguely amusing stories of fantasy, and I can manage my own inventory for casual interaction! Sounds fun! But as of now, I wouldn’t really know. I mean, I rolled a Human Cleric and installed Tiny Adventures. Then, it went something like this…

The Adventure Begins…
Tachevert headed into Facebook Land to try out this cool-sounding game.

Encounter 1: Forest
In the deepest glen of the fair woods, Tachevert stumbled upon a drunken kobold.

Tachevert made an Attach Bonus check with a difficulty of 8 . . . and rolled 18

Carefully aligning his bare knuckles with the kobold’s nose, Tachevert drove a mighty blow directly into the koboldian septum. Verily did sanguine-ridden mucus burst forth, and the kobold threat was no more.

Tachevert received 10 XP and 3 pieces of gold.

Encounter 2: Inventory
Amazingly, Tachevert has looted (in some past, forgotten adventure), a Mace.

Tachevert equips the Mace and now has a mighty, awe-inducing +1 Attack. Too bad he didn’t remember to check equipment before that kobold fight. He totally has kobold snot on his arm now. Loser.

Tachevert received 15 XP and spent 4 pieces of gold cleaning his tunic.

Encounter 3: Shop
Tachevert completed his first adventure and went back to town to sell his loot.

Ha! Retard! Tachevert made a Charisma check with a difficulty of 137 . . . and rolled 20. Sure, that’s a perfect roll, but he had no chance whatsoever.

Tachevert loaded the store, and failed. So he loaded again. And he loaded again… 21 refreshes later (remembering to POST the data again, yes, submit the form data again please, EACH AND EVERY time), he made it to the store.

What the hell? “Ratty-ass leather loincloth” costs 1.3512E+11 gold? Maybe I can sell this Rusty Dagger for 3! That only leaves 1.3512E+11 (+/- rounding error) gold to go. Yippee.

Tachevert received nothing. The store totally pwned him.

Encounter 4: Friends
Wonderful, those thrice-damned Facebook Notifications keep coming up with Tachevert’s wimpy-assed friends whining and crying. “Oh, heal me. I just got pwned by a Beholder. You’ll never see a Beholder though, because the Facebook Interwebs only work for me. But heal me. Heal me now or no more Pieces of Flair!” Fine, just SHUT UP already. Tachevert will heal you.

Tachevert foolishly clicks on the Friends link. He clicks and clicks and clicks, and then he clicks some more. Clickitty clickitty click. GOD DAMN CLICK. sneaky, quiet, sneak up CLICK MOTHERFUCKER! HA AHAHAH! I’m CLICKING you! You’re like that Big Red Button. I’ll click you forever. There’s no getting rid of me. I’m like chlamydia and herpes and bad credit all in one Tachevert-flavored bucket! A bucket of badass! CLICKING badass! HA HA HA CLICK!!!!! CLICK!!!!!11!!1one

Tachevert, like, totally lost his shit and wandered off into the hinterlands.

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There are still a few kinks Facebook and the makers of Dungeons & Dragons: Tiny Adventures are trying to iron out… Try again?

Some say that the cleric Tachevert still haunts the forests, mountains, and Flair Boards of Facebook, clicking, ever clicking…

About Tachevert

A cofounder of and full-time geek, Tachevert writes about whatever strikes his fancy. Despite the inherent contradiction, he can often be found videogaming or attempting to run.
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